Diane and Nicole cutting their cake

I just returned from Massachusetts where my sister, Diane, got married to the love of her life: Nicole. The wedding took place in a beautiful old church in Williamstown, in the Berkshires. I stood up for her, as did our other sister, Amy. Nicole's sister and best friend, Andy, stood up for her. My eldest daughter read from Corinthians during the service. Another friend read an Adrienne Rich poem.

Before the wedding, one of my sisters joked that aside from the whole "gay" part, Diane had the most traditional wedding of the three of us. I got married at a private residence in the Redwoods, and my other sister got married by a judge.

Diane and Nicole, who live in Brooklyn, began planning their wedding more than a year ago, in part with the hopes that gay marriages would be recognized by the state of New York by the time they tied the knot. Sadly, that didn't happen. In July, New York judges in the Court of Appeals upheld the gay marriage ban, and passed the buck to New York legislators to decide the fate of gay marriage in New York.

Personally, I don't understand what the fuss is all about. I get that some people hold religious beliefs that homosexuality is a sin. And I know the history; I can follow how those beliefs got to be the ones upheld by law and tradition. But I don't get how changing the law to grant equal rights to same-sex couples threatens or undermines the religious beliefs of anyone. We can have it both ways. My sister can marry her girlfriend, and you can still believe that homosexuality is a sin. We're okay with that.

My sister is just gay. She's not a mass murderer, or a criminal, or someone who wants to take away anyone else's right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. She's been a lesbian her whole life; she's been "out" for years. She just wants to be able to love her partner, make a solid commitment, and raise children with the person she's most compatible with.

I know that old ideas about tradition and family die hard. My mother, who is seventy-nine years old, couldn't quite wrap her head around the gay marriage idea. "But if it's not legal," she asked, "Then is it a civil union?"

"Oh God," my sister said, "Don't say that to Nicole; she'll freak out."

No, it was a real wedding, in a church, with a pastor, with bridesmaids and flowers and poetry and religion, and a reception with elegant food, a cake, toasts, and a DJ. But as far as New York is concerned, it never really happened. Well, the wedding maybe; just not the marriage.

"Look at it this way," my sister said to my mom. "It's a wedding in the eyes of God, and if the state ever catches up, we'll make it legal then."

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Diane and any other gay or lesbian person who chooses to make a lifelong commitment to their partner, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, can do so in the eyes of the church, the state, and in the hearts and minds of their loved ones.

Love isn't restricted to gender. Maybe the state will figure that out someday, maybe not. In the meantime, here's a shout out to all the gay folks waiting for equal rights. May you be granted the right to marry your loved ones in the days soon to come.

Congratulations again, Diane and Nicole.

Elizabeth Bauchner, Editor and Publisher, Ithaca Community News